Let’s Talk About Grief

We all encounter grief at some stage in our lives – after all, it's the price we pay for love, right?

Still, it's a topic that makes many of us uncomfortable.

A 'dead' flower

We often feel the pressure to be strong or to move on, when in reality, grief is not something we get over, but something we learn to live with, in our own unique way.

Traditionally, when we talk about grief and grief support, we think of talking therapies, we want to talk things through, analyse our thoughts and make sense of it all.

You might have kind friends who don't shy away from holding space for you and who offer a listening ear – ideally without telling you what they went through themselves and how you 'should' do things.

Maybe you want to talk to a psychologist or counsellor.

This was my default, too.

When I lost my 'wee' brother – it's his 16^th anniversary today – it felt heavy, tragic and unbearable.

I worried a lot about his wife and his 2-year-old daughter and I realised only later I was also grieving for my dad whom I lost 21 years earlier.

Hence my first point of call was a bereavement charity.

I needed support, I thought I wanted to put words to my emotions and I wanted to feel held, seen and supported.

And, by the way, I didn't know then that the body is so much cleverer than we give it credit for!

Do you know what their answer was?

“The way you feel is totally normal and if this hasn't improved within three months, feel free to get back to us.”

I was devastated.

I wanted support and I wanted it there and then.

Based on this experience, I wanted to learn how to support others, i.e. I wanted to take things into my own hands and I wanted to give others a much better experience.

So a few weeks later I enquired about their bereavement counsellor training.

Their answer?

“Sorry, we can't accept you as your loss is too recent. 
Feel free to enquire again in six months' time.”

That was it.

I'd never felt so unsupported and alone in this situation and with my grief.

I know, grief is part of life, grief is unavoidable and yes, I also know we need to move through the grief tunnel in order to feel better.

And I also know that time is a great healer.

Sure, it's a cliche, but it really is true.

I can now talk about my experiences and about my dad, brother and everybody else I've lost without bursting into tears.

Thankfully I eventually – albeit much later – found a solution that offers everything I wish I had had when I went through the pain of loss and grief.

• No, it wasn't my foundation training in counselling.

  
  

• No, it wasn't the Open University module on Death and Dying (apparently the most popular OU course as I was told).
  

• No, it wasn't seeing a counsellor over months

Many years later I learned and understood the most important aspect:

Grief doesn’t just live in our minds. It lives in our bodies, too.

Grief and the body

When we think of grief, we might think of tears, sadness and the heavy feeling of 'How can I possibly move on?'.

But grief is so much more than that.

"I felt very tense without making the connection between my grief and my body.

But I now believe that I was carrying all that grief in my back and shoulders.

TRE helped me to feel significantly more relaxed and much lighter, pain-free and slowly optimistic about my future."

Tim

Grief can feel heavy in your chest and heart, stuck in your throat, present as total exhaustion, tension all over your body or real, physical pain, quite often back pain.

This is because grief isn’t just a 'feeling', it’s an embodied experience.

The body carries losses, heartbreaks and longings, often for months, if not years.

Understanding this is the first step, although I don't think it needs cognitive understanding, it needs an awareness and also an openness and willingness to try a different route.

Maybe you already know that words alone aren't always helpful, maybe you've experienced it yourself, because you prioritised talking to listening to your body – as I did all these years ago.

"I think I didn't feel my body anymore, I didn't want to.

My heart was aching and everything felt dark and heavy.

Now I've (cognitively) understood and I also experience it every time I practise TRE that my body can tremor me into a wonderfully soothing state of homeostasis.

This is comforting and gives me hope."

Marion

Now I know for sure that The Body Keeps the Score and I'm determined to offer a much better bereavement support than the one I had experienced when I needed it most.

What can TRE do for you?

By working gently with your body you can give grief another channel for expression and release.

Instead of 'just' talking about what you feel, you allow the body to feel, to tremble, to soften, to breathe more deeply and to let go in its own time.

May I remind you of one of my favourite sayings:

“What comes out of your body doesn't make you ill. What stays in there does.”  

Please be assured that I'm not dismissing talking therapies – they can be powerful, they can help many.

I'm simply sharing my experience – and I also know that not everybody wants to talk, analyse and discuss things.

What I offer is an alternative or indeed an add-on to talking therapies.

Because these two approaches can complement each other beautifully.

"I can't believe I didn't discover TRE much sooner.

It's impressive.

It's not about fixing or pushing, it's about trusting my body and connecting with it.

The best bit?

I don't have to talk about my loss."

Martin

So if you’ve ever felt that talking only gets you so far, working with the body may be the missing piece.

Because words don’t always reach the deeper layers of grief.

If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore how a somatic modality like TRE can give your body space to let go of stored tension without needing to explain or analyse anything.

And this is simply a valid reminder that your body has its own wisdom, its own way of helping you move through pain, grief and so much more.

The body often knows how to release long before the mind is ready to put words around it.

What I also love about TRE is that it’s empowering.

You don’t need to be 'fixed' (what a terrible word in this context!) by someone else.

As a TRE Provider, I'll 'just' remind you that your body is incredibly wise.

It knows how to release, how to regulate, how to find balance … even in the most tender moments of loss.

Grief will always be a part of our human story.

But when we include the body in the healing process, we create much more space and that can feel much lighter and for life to flow again.

Finally, please always remember:

Your grief is valid, healing is possible and you don't have to navigate it all from the shoulders up as your body is far wiser than you might realise - yet!

If this speaks to you, I invite you to explore what a somatic approach can offer.

Simply send me a message or book a wee fact-finding chat.

Natural. Innate. TREmendous.