Being authentic. Saying no. Listening to your body.

Are you ready for a gentle exploration?

You might know by now that Dr Gabor Maté* is one of my heroes.

His work on childhood development, trauma, addiction, the mind–body connection, illness, healing and the state of the world in general and the medical system in particular is highly enlightening.

Here's one of his most famous quotes:

"If you don't know how to say no, your body will say it for you

through physical illnesses." Gabor Mate

This single sentence captures so much truth.

Because for many of us, saying no doesn’t feel simple or safe.

And saying yes – especially when we don’t mean it – often comes at a cost.

When authenticity feels risky

Many people I work with are kind, capable, caring and highly functional.

• They show up

• They help

• They cope

• They manage

And yet, underneath, they often feel:

• Tense or exhausted

• Irritable or anxious

• Disconnected from their own needs

• Unsure what they actually want anymore

This isn’t a personal failing.

It’s what happens when authentic impulses are repeatedly overridden.

Often from a very young age.

When saying no once led to rejection.

When expressing needs felt inconvenient or unsafe.

When being 'good', 'easy' or 'strong' became more important than being real.

Over time, the body takes note.

And when the nervous system stays in a state of bracing or suppression for long enough, it often starts to speak up.

Through tension, pain, fatigue, headaches, digestive issues, low mood, irritability, anger, burnout … the list is endless.

A powerful reflection exercise

I recently heard Gabor share this practice during a lecture and I find it deeply insightful.

This is an invitation to review the previous seven days of your life.

You may want to create a small ritual around this:

• A quiet space to make yourself comfortable

• A nice cuppa of something warming or refreshing

• Maybe you want to light a candle

• Anything that signals: This time is for me

  
  

The most important bit is not to judge yourself in any way, simply be kind, curious and compassionate with yourself and observe the answers that come up.

Reflect on the past seven days and ask yourself:

1. Where didn’t I say no, although I wanted to say no?

• A friend asked to meet for coffee when you were tired and wanted to go home

• A colleague asked for a favour when you were already working overtime

• Your partner wanted intimacy when you weren’t in the mood

2. What was the impact?

• Did you feel tired, resentful, irritated or flat afterwards?

• Did your body tense up?

• Did a headache or back pain start?

• Did your tummy play up?

3. What was the belief behind my inability to say no?

Again, please be really honest with yourself, you don't need to share this with anybody.

And you might come up with old beliefs like:

• I’m selfish if I say no

• I’ll disappoint them

• I’m not allowed to have needs

• I’m only valued if I’m helpful

4. Where and when did I learn this belief?

Often, this traces back to childhood.

You might remember a situation, a voice, a feeling that instilled that belief in you.

5. Who would I be without this belief?

Imagine your world without this belief, even if it's challenging.

Trust your answer, it'll come ...

6. Where am I not saying yes? A yes, that wants to be said but isn't said.

• A yes to rest

• A yes to creativity

• A yes to joy

• A yes to your body

• A yes to you

Gabor suggests that simply asking these questions on a regular basis begins to move us from inauthenticity towards authenticity.

Why insight alone isn’t always enough

This is where I’d like to add something important.

Many people know all of this already – intellectually.

• They understand boundaries

• They recognise old patterns

• They’ve read the books

• Done the workshops

• Tried to 'do better'

And yet … the body still reacts.

The no still feels stuck.

The tension remains.

Why?

Because authenticity isn’t just a cognitive decision.

It’s a nervous-system state.

If your system learned early on that authenticity wasn’t safe, it will keep protecting you.

Even when your adult mind wants change.

This is where TRE (Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises) can be profoundly supportive.

How TRE supports authenticity (from the inside out)

TRE works directly with your body, allowing deeply held tension to release in a safe, controlled way.

And when muscles soften, the nervous system follows.

The nervous system down-regulates and when it settles, something shifts:

• You feel more present in your body

• You notice your yes and your no more clearly

• Your reactions soften

• You pause before over-giving

• You feel less compelled to explain, justify or please

Authenticity doesn’t need to be forced.

It emerges naturally when the body no longer feels under threat.

What clients often say

Here are a few reflections from clients that beautifully illustrate this shift:

“I didn’t come to TRE to work on boundaries, but that’s what changed. I now feel my ‘no’ in my body before my head gets involved – and most importantly: I trust it.” Susan

“I used to agree automatically and feel resentful later. Now there’s a pause. And in that pause, I can choose myself.” Tessa

“TRE helped me feel what I actually want. Not what I should want. What I truly want.” Nick

This is authenticity embodied.

Not performed.

A gentle invitation

If you constantly suppress yourself and your needs, you risk losing touch with who you are and your body may already be signalling that something needs attention.

Perhaps you’d like to spend twenty minutes a week with the reflection exercise above.

And if you feel too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed for that, I’ll leave you with Gabor’s rather direct question:

“What are you saying about yourself?

Are you not worth twenty minutes a week? Are you not deserving of your own attention?”

Be gentle with yourself.

And if you’re curious about how TRE can support not only physical tension and aches, but also resilience, boundaries and authentic living, I’d love to explore that with you in a relaxed, no-pressure chat.

You deserve to feel at home in yourself.

PS *There's a beautiful documentary about Gabor's work called The Wisdom of Trauma - I've seen it four times and some bits still reduce me to tears. Yes, it's that beautiful! PPS Just so you know - the above link is an affiliate link. If you watch the film through my link, I may get a small commission, but it doesn't change the fee for you. Thanks for supporting this and also my work!